City Lights

new

2010-11-13T17:45:00.000+08:00

i have moved people! or whoever reads my blog. http://johannaevangeline.blogspot.com

there, visit it. and click on the ads while you're at it pretty please! :D used my entire name cause i think my name is cool like that, and etjy sounds alienish HAAHAH and it shall only be saved for facebook. 'ta!

'Long since

2010-11-12T15:13:00.002+08:00

two photos of my beloved duffypuff! i love him to the max max max max maximum to infinity and beyond!

anyway, it's been long since i last blogged. quite a lot happened, and yet it feels like nothing much did? photos shall be uploaded very very soon. (i'm so tempted to put duffy's photo as my blog header picture)

urg today's a friday night and i have no idea where to go cause ONE, no phone line. TWO no money THREE (and biggest reason of all) too lazy.

am craving for a lot of food, but due to my current diet plan = (two meals a day, no food after 9pm, no junk food (pretty normal diet nothing too difficult), and more exercise (anybody?)) hope i can at least become a lil bit skinnier?

been attending school recently and it's kinda tiring. LOL. assignments piling up, one due in like 6 days time. JOHHHHHHH go do them shitass assignments!

okay i'm tired. goodnight!

xoxo

2010-10-26T05:27:00.002+08:00

i think of independence and i grow afraid
i think of growing up and i'm get even more anxious.

i wish time would just stop. just freaking stop.

'I don't know.

2010-10-20T04:03:00.000+08:00

it's 3.43 am, and i'm gonna blog about the hectic weekend i had.(okay from saturday afternoon onwards.)

reached home from M'sia after that random roadtrip, and skipped going to the airport to fetch the boys. wah, trust me, my heart was totally there all the way. when Maomao called me and told me about how she say Jaejoong right infront of her ..... !!!!!!!!! omg i nearly screamed.

rushed home after a few hours and got scolded by the parents for several reasons i will not mention, and headed over to Expo! Maomao didn't recognize me at first lo! and same went for me. (we only saw each other once, like don't know how many years ago! so forgivable la huh.)

went in after awhile, and it was f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c! admittedly, there were some flaws, like the lateness (not that i minded, cause i was really late too HAHA), some cock up in the VIP side (heard after the showcase), and nonsense rambling from the host (on hindsight i guess it was nervousness that caused him to keep rambling on to no end). he said some really..... inappropriate things? like referring to dongbang. but again, i think he was too nervous?

Maomao and i were wondering if we should stalk them after, and in the end we did! ran to the back of the place and attempted to talk to the uncles. HAHA i have too much courage in such nonsense matters i think. joined a couple of random fans in their maxi cab super excitedly!

it was pretty disappointing tho, cause the boys headed straight to the hotel after and didn't go out to eat as we hoped. after lurking around the hotel for what seemed like forever, we all decided to give up and split. headed to v3 after.

overslept, and rushed home to get the stuff that i wanted to pass to them (just a photo postcard), and headed to the airport. once again, didn't manage to see them ): was really disappointed, but on the bright side, Maomao and i managed to speak to one of their dancers when they went out to smoke! ^^ passed him our letters (i only knew how to say 'kamsahamnida!' and bow, but Mm was reallllllly fluent).

totally motivated to learn Korean huh!! HAHA headed to the viewing gallery after and watched the planes fly pass and waved goodbye to them one by one cause we didn't know which airplane was theirs! ><

trust me, i'm not really a fan girl, except when it comes to them. them and no one else! they bring out the girl in me, like totally. can you believe i actually SCREAMED?! LMFAO. like really went 'AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! JAEJOOOOONG!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JUNSUUUUUUUU!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOOCHUN!!!!!!!' -.- sibei embarrassing but whatever. hehehehehe.

camwhored with Maomao. here are some of the photos!

it's really totally annoying when you see bystanders/passerbys in the background of your photo. -.- it's like ..... 'HOW TO PHOTOSHOP YOU OUT!?!?!?!?!' -.-

anyway, i've got to do my stuff and what not. urg.

ttfn!

xoxo

ps: today, is our 2nd year together. so much has happened, so much has changed. what's gonna happen from here, i've no idea. so torn, but ima take it one step at a time.

take my hand, Lord.

'J/Y/J

2010-10-17T11:33:00.001+08:00

i'm finally home, in my airconditioned room, using my own laptop, playing with my duffy. (missed him so so much!)

it feels like i've went for a long trip or something; this weekend was hectic to the max. with that random one day roadtrip to m'sia that ended only the next day, and rushing for the JYJ fanmeeting and chasing them around, hoping to catch a glimpse of them.

thought longingly of my bed (and duffy) the whole time, and finally I AM HERE. hee hee hee hee hee.

anyway i'll definitely blog more about these two events, with loads of photos! till then,

xoxo

'Meant to be broken

2010-10-09T07:33:00.001+08:00

random photo of me to make the impending chunk of words seem a little less wordy.

just got back from Town + Indochine + poker @woodlands. it's been ages since i last went to a bar? cause it's just all the other usual places. nice atmosphere, even though i don't drink. hurhur.

these days i've been worrying about money. spending too much and earning too little. i need a job. pronto. duffy's expenses, not paid. the jyj money, not transferred. i really need my pay plus a new job. was thinking of supperclub with neobaby, but heard that it'll be kinda tiring?

honestly i don't really know how i feel anymore. it's just hazing through the days? but i pretty much feel fine but i'm afraid to probe deeper, afraid of what i'll find.

other times i find myself wanting to cry after hearing sad songs, but after 5 seconds that was gone too. i'm afraid of losing myself, but turns out i've never really known myself. these past two years or so, it was all about him him him him and more him. wide mixture of emotions, but none of them really for my own good.

did stupid things i'd never care to do again, some of them things i can never take back. it's all an experience, i take it as, but then again, it's these experiences that shape someone.

and so, i'm finding myself again. and i've come to realize that hey, i did have a past before him. and maybe i can learn to live a little better with myself each day, learn to be a little more independent as the days go by.

and soon, you'll be nothing but a distant memory.

x
some things are

'To the left

2010-10-04T03:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes not making a choice is already a decision made. i've made mine too; i just hope i'll be able to stick to it.

meanwhile i'll just enjoy myself with my friends and family and not to mention my lil duff puff.

i missed who we were, no matter how fucked up it was, i was certain of the fact that at least we cared for each other, but what is this? what are we? what have we become? the answer 'i don't know' hangs on the both of our lips.

are you thinking of me like how i'm thinking of you? or are you forgetting me like how i'm trying to forget you?

what we are now, is a single comma, a pause hanging in the air.

i miss you, but not who you have become. and i miss us. but perhaps 'we' were another one of my fantasies too.

time to wake up bitch, it's not over till i'm gone.

'3am

2010-09-30T11:36:00.001+08:00

been getting headaches like they're free, and this morning wasn't any different. woke up to a pounding head, like those kinds people might have if they'd drunk way over their limit the night before and went to bed drunk, but i didn't. i'd be a tad more willing to bear this if i had, but instead i was doing this:

oovoo-ing with @genjifive at 3 am in the morning, 30km away. was testing out the webcam that daddy bought me. he's totally sweet cause he even picked out the design that he thinks that i'll like 'pink with leopard spots', and see it's really the thought that counts.

luv you daddy! hehe

so anyway, i've an exam at 3.45 later on and i feel so darn unprepared. shall go pop a panadol extra and do some more cramming.

oh yeah! i dyed my hair. and my parents haven't noticed the difference. HAHA there IS a difference tho. i'm pretty sure of that. oh well. my mum will probably think that i set out to defy her ways, cause she told me not to go any lighter than my previous hair color, and i did, not to get any other animals and i did, etc.

well i luv you too mummy! hehe

kbye to whoever's reading. <3

xoxo

2010-09-28T07:42:00.002+08:00

He said he didn’t want to lose her. She fought back the tears and asked him if he wanted to keep her. To that, he had no response.

(Source: 365thoughts, via downlovelane)

'Pom Pom's Pom.

2010-09-23T10:49:00.000+08:00

i think one day, i'll really do something that my parents will kill me for. i really hope not, but i think i've really pushed it this time. definitely.

introducing the newest member of my family!

he doesn't have a name yet, I CAN'T DECIDE! he's a black pom and totally intelligent. he escaped from his pen last night thrice and came trotting over to look for me with a very self satisfied air about him.

Denise kept me company. it was really very coincidental luh! the seller we got him from sold him at a very cheap price, till we suspected that the dog had problems cause it was too cheap. shots all done + microchipping. bought the stuffs necessary blabla. super cute lo! it's damn guai only.

brought him to meet Roy, Wendy, Juncheng and Miffy! they brought her over and we tried to get them to socialize but Miffy was super fierce while (insert dogs name here) was super..... retarded? LOL idk. it just stood there blankly while Miffy was trying to attack it. and it refuses to walk! late bloomer i suppose.

i really hope this dog will be super obedient and stuff. and i hope it'll be a positive change in our lives?

okay i've really got to go sleep. exam later! goodnight <:

xx

'Go away.

2010-09-18T21:27:00.000+08:00

removed my tagboard because it has way too many spammers. and when i mean spammers i mean the kind who goes 'hi nice blog/please blog more on such topics/can we be a friend/wanna take nude photos' etc.

took it off so it'll be much more difficult for those asshats to spam. am aware it's much harder for non-spammers to comment too, but please understand that you can always just click 'comment' below my posts if you really have something to say. i usually don't have many people commenting tho.

anyway, i've been feeling unwell for what seems like ever. gonna go rest somemore. (saturday night and i'm at home)

urg feeling f annoyed at him again. like wtf is your problem la. fuck. fei hua lian pian/tian. don't need you here if you don't want to be.

x

2010-09-18T02:23:00.000+08:00

i think it's true. you'll only know as much of the next person you meet, as what they're willing to let you know.

'Hold on

2010-09-15T07:53:00.000+08:00

photos from when Cyn and i went out the other day to catch a movie 'Going the Distance', starring Justin Long, Drew Barrymore and Cristina Applegate. thought it was really nice, though a little unrealistic? i guess to me relationships aren't really easy not to mention long distance ones. but then again, i have trust issues. so..... shrugs*

really need to get a decent camera. haven't taken photos in such a long while, save for the occasional camwhoring moments in toilets and what not.

think i'm falling sick. sleep isn't restful at all and i toss and turn aimlessly while dreaming of things that are lurking around in my subconscious. my throat hurts and my head feels heavy plus the bones in my body are killing me. i hate falling sick. and friends have been telling me 'you're always sick one la'. -.-

need some good websites to download songs. laptop got reformatted and it's so much faster and there's so much more memory space. (Y) absolute love.

shall go get some more rest before i meet Binghui later on. and maybe Cyn for some partying? i'm aware i need to study but i think what my body really needs is to go out. apparently i'm the kind of person who falls sick from staying at home. is there such a syndrome?

ttfn!

xoxo

ps: i don't know who i've become.

'Riseup.

2010-09-06T18:07:00.000+08:00

overnight i've become a vessel for should be secrets, and i'm torn between making the right choices or leaving bad decisions where they lie.

this song, i've played it on repeat cause i know you'd be listening to it too, one way or the other. but then i realize; this action ceased it's meaning long ago.

is it alright to continue doing things that go against your conscience as long as the truth isn't out? after all who would it hurt if ignorance is bliss?

this doesn't even begin to cover what's going on in my head right now. but i'm not unhappy, far from it. i'm great. but what would great mean without someone to share it with? nothing. then again, it could mean everything.

'Linking up.

2010-09-05T17:54:00.000+08:00

i thought you were different, i really thought you were. i could be wrong, but then again, what the hell are the chances?

people really shouldn't wonder if i turn into even more of a cynical bitch than i already am.

2010-09-03T05:06:00.001+08:00

one day down, thirteen more to go.

'According to you.

2010-08-31T19:44:00.002+08:00

according to you i'm stupid, i'm useless i can't do anything right/ according to you i'm difficult, hard to please forever changing my mind/ but according to him, i'm beautiful incredible, he can't get me out of his head/ according to him i'm funny, irresistible everything he ever wanted

everything is opposite, i don't feel like stopping it/ so baby tell me what i've got to lose/ he's into me for everything i'm not/ according to you

so baby, tell me what i've got to lose?

'Photos photos photos

2010-08-30T01:18:00.004+08:00

webcamming with Whb! obviously that's not her. and she took this at the same time! just that i didn't know it till she tagged this photo of me on facebook.

oh yeah, meet my new fringe.

i've received a lot of comments about it. the bad ones being really bad and the good ones being..... okay? for example:

the bad:

Aldrin: Joh, you look like crap.

Mingkang Cho: your bangs cmi la! it makes you look fat/ter. (and some other remarks that i refuse to publish here)

: why does your face look so crumpled? (whereby darren kept laughing and went 'hahaha wtf crumpled face')

: it's not even straight! ( i think this comment came from him but i can't really remember. but since he said so much anyway i'll just add it on his list.)

Juncheng + John: it looks a bit weird.

Matt: (okay he didn't really say anything bad but over all whatever he teased me about wasn't good either)

Hongguo: 'i can't tahan your bangs anymore' and proceeded to close the videocall (when i forced him to webcam with me so that i can show him my fringe the other night)

Erkan: i prefer your previous one, but this one is okay too.

the neutral:

Darren: you look like a cat. (wtf?)

Karen: not much of a difference.

the good (almost everybody uses the word cute):

A: bangs girl! (though he says it looks the same, i think he secretly thinks it looks cute. LOL. so i don't care i'm putting it here.) /Hana hana cute la cute la!

A's mum: yes it's nice! you look cute.

My mum and dad: anyway also nice one la. but this one cute. (hahahaha i'm totally making what they said sound nicer)

Cyn: you look cute today!

Huishan: it's about the same but with this one you look cuter.

Whb: you look nicer/cuter! (can't remember)

Denise: omg joh you look so cute! you look very different leh! (she was the one who went with me to get my hair cut)

Jass: you look cute la (:

okay can't quite remember who else commented? but oh well. i like this cut cause it looks different? haven't changed much of my hairstyle in forever, mainly because i'm still waiting for it to grow to my desired length? and my hair takes forever to grow.

i can't believe i actually took the time to type all of this out. goes to show how bored i am. urggggg i hate having no cash and having to stay at home. on the bright side, say yay to tomorrow! because it's pay day and allowance day! jumps in glee*

alright, anyway, about that matter. i found out that he was lying to me a lot. and i don't think i can trust him very much now, and he deserves it. however, this is his last chance. i'm sick of all of the lies, but yesterday was one of the only few times that we sat down and really talked about it calmly without either of us blowing up. i know i've said it too many times before that i'm gonna break up with him, and that i'm sick of him and that blablabla. and i know the previous time with the other girls i told him that he's not supposed to give me anymore nonsense. but before i spoke to him about it, i told myself that if we can work things out then okay, we'll have another go at this relationship. but if not then its bye-bye for us. now that we've more or less settled it, he's gonna have to work extra hard to regain my trust? idk. i'm just gonna give him the benefit of the doubt again for one last time.

meanwhile, i've got his gold medal with me. if he does anything wrong again i'll throw it in his face. that thing's real heavy for something that's fake gold (hahahahaha) so it'll really hurt. plus the size of his head is so damn big it'll be so hard to miss. ha ha ha.

alright, imma go webcam with some other people and maybe pack my room a bit.

ttfn!

'Liar.

2010-08-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to say.

'the other friend.

2010-08-24T02:24:00.001+08:00

okay so what's up with the 'boyfriends aren't allowed to have purely platonic girl friends' kinda thing? i've been hearing way too much from friends complaining about how their significant other is flat out against their mixing with people from the other gender, no matter the social situation.

i know it sounds like crap coming from me, because i've ever used the 'i don't want you to talk to her. if i find out about any nonsense again, you'll find out what i can do. try me' kind of thing. and i kind of regret it. not because i don't like living in peace and not having to worry, but because i hate having to resort to these kinda methods to get my point across. i'm the kind of girl that's all for people having friends, be it of the opposite sex or not. i hate restrictions and i hate having to put my foot down because i don't feel comfortable with the situation, and i hate it being applied to me (trust me, i know.)

however, there's a difference between 'friends who have something going on', and 'purely friends'. i mean come on. surely you can tell the difference? and that's not all. i've noticed that a lot of girls go hating on the girl-friend of their boyfriends, and going all bitchy and hateful. what the hell is up with that?! it really irks me when i hear of such cases, because EH HELLO SHE'S NOT INTERESTED LA. FUCK OFF. and you seriously can't just blame the girl when the whole 'more than friends' thing appears. because it takes to fucking hands to clap! although it is her fault (if it happens) for being totally thick skinned and desperate for fishing around in other peoples ponds/oceans/rivers whatever.

okay in the defense of the jealous, over-protective and paranoid girlfriend, i have to admit that it's highly uncomfortable when you see your boyfriend in such close proximity with a girl friend of his whom he just says is his friend but he keeps hanging around with. you wonder if they're really all he says he is, especially after you find out that he's lying about it time and time again. like that how to trust? if you guys are only friends then you lie so much for fuck? just friends then just come out and admit whatever you're doing ma. so sneaky for what?

ya so boyfriends out there. you better fucking make sure that you don't lie to your girlfriends about such stuff. it's really damn sensitive because it involves other girls. like hello imagine if that's happening to you! you can't expect your girlfriend to be all nonchalant about it right? if she is then either she's super confident of herself or she doesn't give a shit or she really trusts you to the max. (but seriously no such thing la) don't wait till all these shit happen then you start complaining that your girlfriend is a naggy bitch who doesn't trust you. you're the one who started it.

okay and as for the girlfriends. seriously you can't go all out of your way to make your boyfriend's life miserable just because you don't trust him. yes maybe sometimes he's the hardest person to trust, but take a look at yourself, are you that trustworthy? (i'm saying it in a very general way. not pin pointing anybody.) you can't exactly control him. you want something that listens to you most of the time? then get a dog la. for what get a boyfriend and try to keep him on a fucking short leash? he'll be miserable lor. (this is from personal experience. my opinion.)

trust goes two ways. it's very very easy to say that you trust someone, but it's like building a sandcastle. one wash of the waves and it's already half gone. what you need is a brick solid foundation that can build you a real castle, but that only comes by serious effort and earning that kind of trust. rome wasn't built in a day. neither should you expect your other half to give you the full trust. there're too many people out there who misuse trust and give others a bad name. but then again, it might be yourself who's making it so difficult.

my stand on the whole girlfriend with boy friends and boyfriends with girl friends thing is that you've got to know your limits and draw the line super clearly where it might go blurred. those girl-friends/boy-friends have got to be more conscious of how their actions affect the couple and the boyfriend/girlfriend must know that once you have a girlfriend you have to think for your other half and put yourself into their shoes. likewise, so must the overly paranoid girlfriend/boyfriend. if he/she says that they're just friends/that they don't have anything going on, and the situations in which they see each other in are all surrounded by other friends blabla, then just relax la! why not make friends with the other girl to see how she's like rather than going all paranoid and hateful. which is totally retarded. often enough you'll get to see that the situation isn't what you think it is.

plus you can't take away a persons rights to having friends. you rather he/she lie to you or tell you openly? there's a reason why he's with you and not her. right?

okay, long and extremely wordy post on this matter, and there's that whole other side of issues that i haven't blogged about. i've a project to rush and trash from macdonalds to throw out, so ttfn!

xoxo

'La Pute

2010-08-21T19:12:00.001+08:00

this random dude/chick added me on facebook. we have no mutual friends, and we don't even share the same country/region.

he added me and sent me a fb message:

didn't know what 'la pute' meant, and went to google it. and apparently it means whore. -.- thought it might mean sth nice like pretty somemore lor. fucker.

showed A what that asshole sent me and i replied this:

LOL. the knn ccb blabla parts were added by A cause he said that we should show some other languages. HAHA. wanted to add more but A actually reminded me about KARMA. omg.

like he's the one who's always scolding others who don't deserve it and now he's all about karma? nonsense. ha.

had another tiff with him. and he's got me all riled up. hope things will be okay though.

kay off! tata.

xoxo

'Crabs bite.

2010-08-20T00:01:00.000+08:00

i should really start taking more photos to post up on this space of mine. it's becoming as barren as a woman after menopause.

okay that's kinda mean. >: but you get my point.

i'm kinda worrying for my career as a student in MDIS. :O !!!!!

on a side note: went to eat crabs with A and Jialuo. it was goooooooood. especially the butter one. my crab shells were like super little cause i kept eating the shells even though A told me not to. cause supposedly it's unhealthy? but i can't figure out why it's unhealthy. okay maybe i should google. cause i've always assumed that shells were always filled with protein or some shit like that. -.-

kay my boyfriend is missing. asshole. byebye hehe.

xoxo

'Straight from the heart.

2010-08-13T16:41:00.001+08:00

just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
but that's all right because i like the way it hurts,
just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
but that's all right because i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

don't quite understand how someone can love how their lover lies, cause it's one of the worst things to feel, having your trust ripped to pieces bit by bit.

slipping away, and you try to grab hold but you grasp something that's the end of your relationship and yet you can't find the strength to let it go and the words to make love stay.

not being able to understand, what went wrong, and to be kept in the dark. little hurts more than finding out the ugly truth, and the green eyed monster rearing it's head and yet you can't do anything to stop it cause you're powerless.

living your life in misery without the person, or move on and find new happiness? the worst thing is that the decision might be to be miserable with the person, than happy without, cause you can't imagine doing without. not ever.

sometimes bearing your soul can be the hardest thing to do, especially to someone who might take your heart and break it into little little pieces. being vulnerable scares me the most, and yet you'd choose to do it every single time, in the hopes that he/she would finally understand what you're going through, and how his/her actions are killing you.

each time you'd want to hear how he/she felt, and there'd be nothing but stone cold silence, or a riddle of words that'll leave you feeling more confused than ever. how are you supposed to know if he/she doesn't speak? probably you'd hate to ask and pry but otherwise you'll never know.

and the thing you're risking your happiness for is the what if. the 'what-if' that happens whenever you wanna walk away. 'what if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life by walking away from the person who knows me the best?' and then you stop.

just watch me burn, baby.

'Hey mr

2010-08-04T08:23:00.000+08:00

made a meal for A and his campmate. poor innocent friend of his had to eat my linguine with white cream sauce plus mushrooms with cheese sausage plus campbell soup.

but it was not bad, if i say so myself.

been watching gossip girl season 3 and i'm becoming immersed in it as usual. i've no idea why i tend to get too caught up in books/shows, and becoming like them.

wonder why there can be so so many secrets kept in gossip girl! like..... urg. head hurts just watching it some times. totally hate how people can be so secretive? or maybe that's just me.

bet i wouldn't last a day in gossip girl world. tho it'd be damn cool to be able to spend that much.

kay rambling bye!

xoxo

ps: andB? i don't know if handcuffs are a good idea for a first date.

HAHAHA

'distance

2010-08-01T03:13:00.000+08:00

am feeling a tad weird, like i'm readjusting to something that i've been living without. and apparently i have been.

wd says i'm feeling weird because i'm insecure? and maybe i am. but i'd rather be feeling this way than all up in bliss and not knowing a thing. add that one issue to the pile of 'joh's issues' then.

thing is, i heard all that you've to say, that things aren't necessarily how they are, but face the fact baby, it's like butter and margarine cause technically things are kinda the same. (okay that sounded better in my head)

we've agreed that it's like a can't live with can't live without kinda thing. we get irritated and quarrelsome when we're together but when we're apart it's like there's a part of us missing.

i just need that..... assurance. you know? that no one else can ever take this away.

but then again, sometimes i wonder if we aren't just throwing this down the drain ourselves.

urg i hate relationships.

sheldon cooper ftw!!!!! totally love him. hehe

xoxo

ps: banned from clubs/pubs/thai discos. you'll never catch me sucker.

2010-07-29T05:27:00.003+08:00

maybe we're better off this way.

'A

2010-07-28T04:38:00.000+08:00

beautiful girls all over the world, i could be chasing but my time would be wasted, they've got nothing on you baby, nothing on you baby.

this song/sentence is running itself stupid in my mind, and i've come to realize that i've an auto correct thingy for songs like such, with the 'they've' instead of they and so on and so forth.

was supposed to get an mc with Juncheng earlier on, but i woke up late? and the polyclinic was c l o s e d. fyi people it closes at 4.15 pm (registration) instead of 5 like we originally thought. went to Aldrin's to meet the rest and had some impromptu mahjong after a session of webcamming. headed to play basketball where we proceeded to get screened and went to eat and then home.

tomorrow's gonna be a hell of a long day, with school + project + work + club with Huishan and her friends. hope it's gonna be damn fun cause i kinda need the releasing of stress. hehe can't wait!

urg gotta catch some shut eye like soon, but i'm so damn awake!!!!! nooooo. okie shall go naozxzxzx.

xoxo

ps: it's my choice. but don't you realize it's never ever up to me? i want it all or nothing at all.

'Giving up.

2010-07-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

currently at Aldrin's, using the com + rock band.

thought a lot about things, and finally there is a conclusion.

seriously, don't fucking regret anything that you do. i've said it once, twice and over and over again but it's just like screaming into the wind.

you aren't worth whatever i thought you were.

i'm still waiting - hg.

2010-07-25T06:12:00.000+08:00

seriously. i'm totally fine with two people of the opposite gender being friends, but this is really fucking ridiculous.

universal studios? seriously?!

'Taking it back

2010-07-23T05:03:00.001+08:00

i just really don't wanna hurt anymore.

i wish i can forget every single thing that happened, every single memory we shared during these 20 months together.

i wish i never believed what you said, wish i never gave in when we broke up for good. wish i never believed you when you said that you'll change and sort out our problems.

i wish i never met you. cause now my heart hurts so badly i just wanna curl up somewhere and die.

a part of me already is.

'Diary

2010-07-22T04:14:00.001+08:00

What did Octopus Paul predicted for you?

"You will catch your partner cheating!"

.:

an app on facebook. how..... accurate?

i don't know how to face myself anymore. you make me feel so fucking worthless.

thank you to the friends i have with me, esp xm who sent me home just now. thank you very very much.

sometimes its too late when you say you wanna turn back.

i just don't understand how you can expect someone to love you for every single hurting thing you do, especially when it hurts to the fucking core.

leaving things be might soothe things, but then again this is killing whatever i have left for us.

i don't expect much, not the way you think i do. if you think you won't ever lose me, think again. now, these might all be words, but someday you might turn around and find out that i'm no longer trying to catch up with your footsteps.

really, i don't know why so much happiness and sadness can be put into this relationship.

neither do i understand why we can't talk about us and settle things properly. i'm only repeating all these words because you wouldn't take the time to listen. and isn't it easier to just either figure out what we must do to avoid going in such circles, or just end it? that has always been my perspective; that there's no point running away.

and i'm talking as if he'll know this. damn ironic that the possibility of this being read by everyone in this world is so much higher than the person it was actually meant for.

i wish i can read your mind. though i think i'd pretty much not enjoy the things i'd see.

hello, girl living in misery here. HAHA

ps: all relationships are the same when it comes right down to it. seen too many people get broken down recently. but then again, if there're no cracks, how does the light get in?

'indiscretion

2010-07-20T08:46:00.000+08:00

i wish this icky feeling in my stomach will just go away.

'Show you the ropes

2010-07-15T22:41:00.001+08:00

today was a tiring day, so was yesterday. in fact the entire week drained me out. i'm feeling like a granny today cause i feel so so tired. four and a half hours of sleep is not enough.

dragged myself to school, then vivo after with two classmates and then dinner with my parents followed by stocking up of stuff.

i'm kinda surprised that i made friends in this class tho. thought i'd be the loner girl blabla, okay actually i kinda still am but it's getting better. HAHA eh it's hard fitting into a class where everybody already knew each other for months before okay! defensive*

kinda rambling on, oh i saw a little boy roll down a fake hill today. yknow the ones at vivo? HAHA reminded me of Mk and the rolling down the slope incident.

anwz i really wanna get plastic surgery. change this face of mine hehe. i know people will judge, and i know people will try to dissuade me, but it's really something i've been wanting to do since forever. there's nothing wrong with wanting to look a lil prettier at least k?

k i'm off to do whatever plus tidy my room. i kinda want a quiet weekend with mahjong and friends, that's all. some quiet time. HAHA

oh, and i have a really pretty classmate.

xoxo

'Baby let me love you down

2010-07-08T23:50:00.002+08:00

changed my blog layout yet again. this time it's in a default layout but with minor tweaks and additions to it. kinda luv blogger now cause it's really convenient and pretty!

had a great night last night, and spain v germany 1-0! conflicting sides could sense people giving me weird looks cause when they ask 'who're you supporting?' but i'd say 'Germany!' and when Spain nearly scores/scores i'd be damn happy. HAHA

i miss mahjonging. and i've really got to start going to school.

crappppz! hehe going to hunt for soup. omg my appetite is O.O

xoxo

ps: i really really want a car.

'GOALLLLLLLLL!

2010-07-07T02:55:00.000+08:00

changed my blog layout but it's currently pissing me off and the match has started. hehe very hopeful! <:

shall create a formspring. inspired by @cynthianeo_xr ! kkay byez!

xoxo

ps: Holland 1 - Uruguay 0

'When I grow up.

2010-07-05T03:00:00.001+08:00

i'm wondering what i'm gonna do in the future. when i was younger, the visions i used to see when someone asked 'what do you wanna be when you grow up?' was of different things. now, it's more materialistic, but with major touches of fantasies of course. (cause that's the way i am)

i think i wanna be/do too many things. and the funny thing is, i always see myself alone in these fantasies. maybe it's cause i'm not the type to settle down so quickly, though i've been in a shitass long relationship (for me and him, both). or maybe i've realized since young that you have to sacrifice somethings in order to gain other things.

i just wonder how much i'd be willing to give up in order to achieve what i want.

contemplative mode much?

x

'Navy Open House 2010

2010-07-02T09:51:00.000+08:00

am finally done with uploading of photos for Navy Open House 2010. i did try to upload it earlier but everything just went blank so i am hoping that it wouldn't do the same when i try to edit this.

went there with Benji + George. and there're photos of me, but i look like shit in them so i'm not gonna put any up. hehe nut looks so cute in these photos! so does George. hahahaha

anyway, school later on at 3.30pm and Zouk after that? but i need to catch some shut eye; hardly slept at all last night.

and i'm so sad because my favourite herbal soup stall apparently closed down. like 30th June was their last day of business. and i wasn't there to drink their soup. >:

depressing way to start the day actually, though i do hope that it will be good from now on. after my sleep. it shall be a good day! <:

it'll be great if i wake up at 12 and there's soup right in front of me to drink. HAHA. (Y)

asked A, 'would you do anything if i went for plastic surgery?'

and he replied with a 'i don't think i'll recognize you.' blabla 'no i won't. what can i do? but i don't understand why you like to be fake.' (obviously he means like fake eyelashes, extensions, makeup etc.) but if there's a chance to actually do something to myself to make me prettier, i figure why not?

for me it's not about how people look at me and whether they think i look good or not, though that part does count for something. it's more of the 'look into the mirror and liking what i see' kinda thing. but somehow i'm thinking about it like how it'd affect my personal life and stuff. cause i don't think many of my friends will approve?

nvmz save money then say.

nights!

xoxo

ps: i should be born korean.

'Toy Story 3

2010-07-01T05:22:00.000+08:00

watched this movie @AMK Hub with Cyn earlier on. it's damn good! caught it in 3d but should've watched the normal one instead cause the 3d glasses were just plain annoying after awhile.

i wonder if there will be a Toy Story 4, but this movie seemed pretty final as it is. mixed feelings about it cause i do look forward to seeing more of Woody and Buzz and the LGMs etc, but i find that movies shouldn't have too many sequels (?????) to it. like too much of a good thing?

this movie made me want to cry my eyeballs out and i kinda did. except that i stopped after awhile cause the lights went on and everything, but that melancholic feeling stayed with me till i reached Bec's place after -.-

anywayyyyyyy. Brazil v Netherland/ Uraguay v Ghana/ Germany v Argentina who what when ????? hahaha i think only Cyn will get this.

huat ah! hehe. got to get to bed already. it's 5:19am and i've got to wake up in 5 hours time. gg.

goodnight!

xoxo

ps: i miss you.

2010-06-28T04:05:00.000+08:00

fuck it i hate blogger. tried uploading all the photos, but for some stupid reason it's all gone. NICE.

school tomorrow. not gonna waste time on this. HAHA goodnight.

'Knight and Day

2010-06-25T18:56:00.002+08:00

went to watch 'Knight and Day' yesterday with friends.

Tom Cruise kept acting like Willy Wonka. (idk if anyone else will get what i mean. but he seemed so robotic!) but it was kinda good actually, the movie. loved Cameron Diaz as usual. and one thing i really liked about the movie was the ending.

i think there're a lot of movies that are nicely planned out and have really good plots and would generally rate well with me except for the fact that they have endings that leave me feeling kinda unsatisfied.

going through a movie like that would be something like this. curiosity > anticipation > suspense > realization > suspense > -.- wtf what kind of ending is this? > unsatisfied.

or something like that. or maybe that's just me. but i really like this movie cause of it's ending. like so totally well rounded! plus it involves humor and what not which is always good. parts of it reminds me of those spanish novellas though. like when he walks through a fire of bullets (?????) (and doesn't get shot) and sweeps Diaz up in his arms and kisses her. but i think it's done on purpose to make people think that way (Y)

okay i really don't know why i'm rambling on about this movie when i really should be cleaning up my room > eating my dinner > getting ready to meet A/go drinking with friends.

and i'm on day 1 of my diet and i'm eating KFC for dinner.

xoxo

'All i ever wanted

2010-06-16T06:43:00.000+08:00

i'm having that feeling, like i have a thousand things to say to someone but the words just won't come. it's nothing that confiding in friends will help, that's how bad it is.

i believe in sharing how i feel with my close ones cause keeping something bad in me is like letting something diseased just stay in me, letting it fester and grow. i spit it out and it goes away, little by little.

but this, it's something new. it's the kind of sadness that i know i can do nothing about, and i'm totally and utterly helpless.

it's the feeling of watching someone walk away and you know things could be different with another choice.

i can't expect to want the best of both worlds and actually be able to have my cake and eat it too. people make choices. people walk away.

i just wish you didn't have to go. honestly, i missed you like you wouldn't believe, and i do know that this is something you'd never know.

and somehow it's kinda killing me inside.

'Town and Photos from a fortnight ago

2010-06-11T08:12:00.004+08:00

random meet up with Cyn at town earlier. walked around, did the usual stuff that girls do and headed to Starbucks after. D and Jerold met us and we waited for A to come before heading over to D's for a bit.

watched this damn gross pimple video that's so gross it's good. you get what i mean? okay maybe not. but the way the pimple burst was..... wow. i guess it's more of a cyst? but it makes you wonder where the hell he went and what the hell he did to get such a huge pimple on his back. good for when i feel like eating; cause i can just remember it and my appetite immediately goes away. (Y)

brought my dad's phone camera out and took a shit load of photos (at least for me). shall post it up when i'm ready. photos from NOH 2010 + Zouk two weeks ago hasn't been posted up yet.

Zouk tonight with the people. hope tonight's really gonna be a damn good night!

edited (decided to put in some photos cause i realized that this space is made up mostly of words words and more words.)

didn't take many photos cause my camera sort of died on me (faulty batteries?) and these were taken while waiting for the rest to arrive. oh yeah. there was this girl in the toilet who was damn random.

Cyn and I walks into the toilet
went up to the mirror*

girl suddenly approached us*
girl: Hi! can we take a picture together?

Cyn and I: stare at her, stare at each other* okay?????

poses with girl smiling in front of her camera*

flash goes, we look at her, she smiles at us and we exit the ladies.

-.- random much. wonder what she'll do with the photo though. post it on facebook?
one caption can be: "my friends and i!"
or a less positive one: "look at these ugly bitches i saw in the toilet."
or then again, it could be "hot girls i met in zouk!"

HAHAHAHAHA. just kidding.

xoxo

ps: i wanna watch Karate Kid, and eat something that doesn't remind me of that giant pimple/cyst yuck ewwww.
pps: 'Angry Birds' is pissing me off damn badly. am googling for walkthroughs.

'R-E-S-P-E-C-T and Persians

2010-06-07T02:53:00.002+08:00

wanted to blog about the same stuff as on Cyn's blog. in almost exactly the same way HAHA.and that was before i read her blog. great minds think alike! HAHAHAHAHA.

like that we caught 'Prince of Persia'. and that the actors in the show kept going about with American and British accents, and one of them totally sounded like Russell Brand. and i googled Persian language, and they obviously didn't speak in english. but whatever. just something random.

it was a good show though i didn't quite like the ending though it kinda made sense and all. spoiler* i mean if i were the lead male, i'd totally be frustrated that the girl totally didn't remember what happened? though if the story had a sequel he'd probably tell her, but there isn't one currently and that's why i was left feeling a little unsatisfied. HAHA good visuals though, really good.

anyway, wanted to blog about this too. the whole gender equality thing. i'm totally for the whole females and males are equal and should be treated with the same views and respect, though i know it's ironic because i do enjoy the perks of being female.

but the thing that really irks me was the way i was totally brushed off by this dude. went to this thai disco, and this manager person came over. (not sure if he's the manager cause there were quite a number of people working there wearing suits too but duh he's definitely not a waiter.) a friend introduced the group saying 'these are my friends', and that guy shook hands with all of the guys except for me. (coincidentally i was the only female that was with that group) aftermath, some friends and i concluded that he might have thought i was one of the thai girls (though i don't really think so and i guess it's just to ease the situation)

it really bothers me because he totally shouldn't have that view point (in which i'm assuming that he's being an asshole and not taking me seriously because i'm female). i mean he might have the opinion that females are lesser than males, simply because of the way the ladies there are paraded and used for entertainment. (again assumption) but then again, without these females, how would he be able to keep up with the place?

i mean i don't really care if that guy shakes my hand and acknowledges me, cause it really really doesn't matter, but the fact that he didn't just really annoyed me cause it did make it seem as if i were lesser than the guys. and it's not even once. he came over again and drank with all of them except for me. like HELLO?!

reason why i'm blogging about this is because too many cases of males taking females as the lesser gender when we're in modern society and females can do just about anything as well as males. (though the army part will be quite daunting for me) again, i say that this is ironic because i do enjoy perks of being a female, like being more protected and being taken care of, but hey i'm sure there're perks for being a guy too right? i just wish that people can treat the opposite sex with the equal amount of respect that they should have for every other human being that they might deem as an equal.

and it's really not right for me to judge him based on assumptions but i'm just calling it as i see it, his dismissive attitude and all. oh. and definitely i know that not all males are like that, and that there are pretty decent guys out there who treat women with respect and i know cause i've met a lot of them. (Y)

bloody long post. gratz to you if you actually read through it all. (: long day tomorrow. night people!

xx

'If you could be an actual man

2010-06-05T02:57:00.001+08:00

If I were a boy I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl i swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her cause I know how it hurts when you lose the one you wanted 'cause he's taking you for granted and everything you had got destroyed

/

But you're just a boy you don't understand and you don't understand, how it feels to love a girl someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts until you lose the one you wanted 'cause you're taking her for granted and everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

lyrics that echo how exactly i feel.

wanted to post stuff here, but decided it was too personal and took it down. sent what i had to say to him with a Fb message instead. the rest is up to him, but i know i won't be waiting too long.

can't help feeling disgusted. seriously. the rules you apply to me obviously don't apply to you, and yeah go ask girls out for all you want. if that makes you happy and fills you with contentment. ESPECIALLY to club. HAHA just tickles my soon-to-be-green-w -white-polka-dots toenails. you're just itching for a challenge aren't you?

disgusting piece of shit. not really referring to him, but just expressing the anger out in me. ha. think i'm gonna go crazy soon with all these conflicting feelings in me.

like sad + angry + disgusted + blablabla. great!

kay off to dota. byebye :D

'Broke and insistant

2010-06-01T17:34:00.000+08:00

one minute left to blog, like literally, before i have to wash up and go to work.

so many things on my mind lately, and there's nothing much i can do about it. it's those kinda issues where it's either one way or the other, and maybe a 5% chance of a compromise?

like what i told Nut, i can't see myself not clubbing/going out to have fun etc. but i can't see myself without him either, and it's driving me nuts!

hahahahaha huge quarrel yesterday, which left me in tears and him very very pissed off. if only i could have the best of both worlds yeah? but i know, ima selfish girl.

okay enough of that. i wanna shop so badly! my wardrobe badly needs updating and i really need a new wallet plus cosmetics. my eyeliner is running out can you believe it?

kay it's three minutes past 5.30, and i'm so late. gotta run!

xx

'Been awhile since she brought you down

2010-05-29T12:32:00.001+08:00

Zouk yesterday with a few of the guys plus a bit more of people i didn't know. it was fun and not fun in a way, like fun cause it's been ages since i saw some of those faces, and not fun cause i totally wasn't high. (though i don't drink.) it was different from the usual cause D managed to get us all in with zero queuing time = i like. (:

took of my heels off halfway cause i was losing my balance every half minute or so while dancing, like *bopbopbop then woahhhhh! grabs someone frantically* and **** helped me hold them. super nice! cause it's like damn disgusting to hold people's shoes? and i know it's totally unglam and all that, but ahhhh who the hell cares as long as i'm comfortable right? first time attempting to dance to Taylor Swift/Green Day/Linkin Park etc. though. interesting.

ended up leaving earlier than the rest of 'em, who headed to D's till 6? and that was my night, in a nutshell with little details left out and what not.

oh, something from Facebook that i found kinda true:

Dating Tips based on Zodiac sign

Johanna Zodiac sign is and below is tips for dating his/her :

A date with a Sagittarius should never be boring. Sagittarius people are very optimistic persons, with a good disposition and a lot of enthusiasm. They like movement and this will lead them to participate in sports, to travel, or to maintain a very intense social life. ...The Sagittarius loves freedom and hates daily routine, loves outdoor activities, contact with nature, and adventurous situations.People born under the sign of Sagittarius are very restless and curious. Their ruling planet is Jupiter, the planet of expansion, joy, and good fortune. To fall in love Sagittarius people need a dynamic partner who stimulates your curiosity and desire to learn. They want a companion with whom to share adventures and amusements.Sagittarius Dating Tip:Sagittarius people fall in love easily but they also become disenchanted or bored with the same ease, which is why they look for a strong and active person who knows how to hold their affections. Another dating advice: Don\'t hold back on your first date with a Sagittarius, talk about your wildest adventures and your biggest dreams. Boring conversation is a no-no when dating a Sagittarius.

really kinda true for me, though i've no idea why my relationship with A kinda breaks all the rules. haizzzzz.

okay, shall go cook noodles and stuff. my God, i'm super hungry. been eating instant food for ages and ages! and that sucks. >: and prepare for Jubina's birthday party later at her/Bec's place. (:

in the space of five minutes in which i forgot to press 'publish post' my mum made me damn f pissed off. but ah fuck it shall go do my deep breathing and 'think of happy place' exercise.

and i think i'm the sort of person who gets irritated/pissed off when there's nothing to eat. HAHA a hungry girl is an angry girl. so true.

x

'Birthday wishes

2010-05-26T11:37:00.000+08:00

second post of the day! this one will be dedicated to my dearest Tay Binghui! it's his 19th birthday today! (Wednesday, May 26th)

dude thanks for everything these past few years! in a blink of an eye, years have passed! (lazy to count how many exactly, kinda lost track of time already.HAHA) remember the Da Chang Jing days in secondary school? HAHA

thanks for being there like always, hearing me whine and rant and laughing at my stupid jokes. you're the epic tyrannosaurus rex spartan king of the dynasties! and you're the ultimate nigga homie brother of mine who knows exactly the way i roll. HAHA!

remember! no matter what shit comes your way, i'll build a shit catcher for you!

hahahahaha so many random photos! and random meetup's at R.plaza with Carson Contradictions. remember the hair burning incident? HAHA laughed our asses off at Carson for burning his hair. (Y) epic moment i swear!

kay so anyway, to get straight to the point, thanks for always being here for me, and you should know i'll always be there for you. (: happy birthday my dear, and you should appreciate life as it is, shitholes and FML moments and all cause they're part of memories you'd bring when you're old! and no matter how tough things get, know that your friends will always be by your side and that things can only get better!

make your wishes wisely! hehe <3

xoxo

'What you playing at?

2010-05-26T10:38:00.001+08:00

tweaked with my layout, and now it looks as bare as a babys arse. LOL.

still waiting for Benjisputnut to upload the photos so that i can edit them and put 'em here & on Fb.

don't feel very satisfied with my layout as of yet, there's a lot of things missing that i can't quite put my finger on. hmmmmmmmz.

off sleepy time.!

xoxo

'Aplogize!

2010-05-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

eh i also want apology leh! please can?

seriously if you've changed then good for you. everyone deserves a second chance. but eh please, don't act like you like me a lot then keep saying shit behind my back. damn irritating cause if i say something in your defense, it'll make ME seem like the hypocrite.

ya i got fat thighs. LOL deal with it. :D

'Navy and the Sun

2010-05-22T07:02:00.000+08:00

went to the Navy open house today. i finally know lazyfriend's name! his name is George. ahahaha and everyone we met gave those kind of 'astonished' reactions when they found out that it was my first time meeting Benjisputnik tomato in real life!

took a millions of photos (okay not really, got bored of it after awhile), and stood in the sun for ages and ages (okay not really, hid in the air-conditioned tentage (sp?) whenever possible) but it felt like super long. apparently it was better than yesterday cause it rained. not good to go to when you only had 2 or so hours of sleep and was sick the day before.

seriously it felt like i was becoming roasted from the inside out. must've consumed at least 4-5 bottles of mineral water today. overall it really was cool, from the presentation of the NDU to the tours around the ship. ooh! and we got a free duck tour ride! which even though it only consisted of rounds and rounds in the water in the scorching sun, was cool nonetheless.

headed to l4d after @parklane with Benji and three of his army sirs or sth? think their names were Chan, Raj and Samuel. funny how l4d gives me motion sickness -.- headed off to A's place, where unhappy stuffs happened, but i guess we're fine now.

kay photos up soon, when i can be bothered to. i wanna bring my dad there! but i don't think i can stand going there later on, so maybe on sunday? but A's family are going then too. woah.

kay goodnight people <:

xoxo

'Open houses and Anniversaries

2010-05-21T01:13:00.001+08:00

navy open house tomorrow with Benjisputnik tomato! & lazyfriend, whom i'm totally unfamiliar with. heard from J that's it's gonna be hot, so i'm readying up with sunnies + sunblock.

totally need to go shopping, but then again with the $$ sucks this! this sucks!

this space has been totally void of photos for awhile, this is because my beloved Bb was dropped a tad too many times, and there's something wrong with the memory card, hence the lack of photos. plus my dad took away the digital camera on his trip to Canada.

zzzzz. random photo of Cyn and i @Hk cafe with Gerald. can't remember if Alan and Ks were there too. but oh well i look so big sized beside her please! but i like the bottom part of my hair. LOL

ah well. my heart feels so awwwww-ish cause of what Sebas tagged me on fb. <3

Sebastian Koh I have a friend Johanna Etjy , that i'll brave fires and all of hell for. Have you, yours? That one special friend you can't do without.

it's like yay!! hehe

and oh yeah people don't get caught in the rain! got caught in the rain a few days back and immediately fell sick a few hours later. (Y) best.

kay off to eat my cold chicken rice! (: shall try to remember to bring my digital cam along tomorrow so that i can take more photos!

oh yeah. it's A and my one year seven months. had an above average tiff the day before, but i think we sorta made up already? h8 fighting when i'm sick. kay off bye!

xoxo

'Snails and Falsies

2010-05-17T02:50:00.000+08:00

currently talking to Cyn about snails mating. read her blog and we're on the phone now. LOL.

fuck damn funny! i have no idea why Ks knows about this.

Johanna says (2:44 AM):
*why did you even know about the snails mating thing
KS says (2:45 AM):
*because its common after its rain
*they come out see each other then mate lol
Johanna says (2:45 AM):
*LOL?!?!?!?!
*you make it sound damn random
KS says (2:45 AM):
*lol
KS says (2:46 AM):
*those snails all looks the same to me
*i dont even know which is which gender
*maybe they are both males lol

LOL oh yeah apparently they're both male and females at the same time i guess. LOL fucking funny

gonna work soon yippee! but i already am working in the evenings luh, so yeah.

lol @ the snail thing damn retarded.

oh ps: i wanna dye my hair.

pps: i bought two boxes of damn chio eyelashes for $5 each, three-d art and two nail polishes! luv cheap bargains. :D

ppps: play night club city on FB! (:

'Baby baby baby Ooh

2010-05-03T05:58:00.001+08:00

i think it's been awhile since i last blogged. hurrrrrrr.

photos from Granny's birthday. don't have all of them on account of the fact that it wasn't taken using my camera.

so pardon my fat face in the last photo! here's a photo of the maxi dress that i made the night before i attended this celebration. it looks a little wonky and it's nowhere near perfect, but i'm proud of it! it's missing now tho. i've no idea why. can't seem to locate it in my room, nor anywhere in the house. oh well. it'll turn up someday soon right?

i've come to realize that i've been living like i'm totally single these few days. going out where ever i want, with whom i want, talking to anyone without any restrictions. can't say it's bad, cause it's awesome after a somewhat self-exile due to freedom issues.

i wonder how it'll be like when he comes back. i really do. i feel free now. i feel happy. and relaxed. for the first time in the longest time i can remember. but i know i do miss him. cause i do think of him, and i know i'm waiting for him. just waiting.

people who read this might think that i'm a bitch simply cause of what they read here, but hey you don't know all of the shit i've been through.

wokayyyyyyz. friends like Cyn and people are starting school tomorrow. I NEED A JOB. rawrrrrrr.

kay off to play NIGHTCLUBCITY! (:

i wanna make clothes.

xoxo

still, it has always been you.

'Say a little prayer for you

2010-04-24T06:23:00.000+08:00

Bandeau Tie-Back Grecian Maxi Dress

nope! not selling it! i made it. (: an almost exact replica of this dress. almost exactly cause there are slight differences of course! like the material (i've no idea what this dress is made of though mine is made out of stretchy and slightly heavy fabric) and it's certainly not as well made (there are weird sticking out parts and uneven hemming but not noticeable unless you keep staring at it. overall, it's wearable and i'm damn fucking proud to say that i made this.

though to people with experience it'll certainly be a piece of cake to them. it was surprisingly easy! took around 1-2 hours. will post photos of it up if i'm not that lazy! and i wanna receive praise so badly that i have half a mind to wake my mum up.

am wondering if i should wear this to Granny's birthday celebration later, but i don't think it's such a good idea right? all black? ><

anyway, school was postponed due to the class having too little people. was quite pissed off, but ah what to do? looking for jobs now, people help me keep a look out! (:

had a tiff with the boyfriend again, and i'm not really very happy about matters but i really can't be bothered to quarrel with him about it though i think he's really being a jerk and being over-sensitive about matters.

and i found out that my mood really goes down super low when i don't have enough sleep. which i should be doing right now, instead of blogging to hao lian. HAHA

i wonder what it'll be like if things were different. and i wonder why is it that you really can make me smile so easily even when my mood sucks. but there's no point thinking about things. i'm here now. i'm here. and i'm supposed to be happy. i am, aren't i?

ha. second guessing ain't a good sign.

oh well mad ramblings, and my tummy is calling for food! mac's breakfast in particular, a certain 'sausage egg mcmuffin meal'! with upsized milo and hashbrown to go please. ah damn it i hate it when i've not enough cash and even mac seems expensive. ):

i need to shop and get my arse out soon. on the other hand i feel so lazy and sleepy all the time it can't be too good for my health. right?

oh well off to bed or macs or something. gotta make up my mind cause i've got to be up in time to go to A's to collect my itouch.

goodnight/good morning people! <3

xoxo
what if?

'No control

2010-04-19T06:33:00.000+08:00

can't sleep @ 6:28 am and i've got school later on. anxieties creeping up on me, one's that shouldn't bother me now. i'm a worrywart at heart, when it comes to things i've no control over.

oh my God school. i've always had first day jitters. h8 it.

need baby now.

'Smiles

2010-04-13T01:59:00.000+08:00

i don't normally do the whole 'rating-my-day' thing, nor do i have many 'fuck my life' moments, simply cause firstly, i don't think days should be compared like that cause we should be happy to be alive as it is and secondly, cause i think life doesn't deserved to be complained about nor fucked simply cause of bad moments.

however, today was a great day. though there were minor moments in which i got annoyed and pissy, it was great. Baby brought me to eat tao huay, and after that it was chocolate milk ice shavings + calamarie rings. headed to the arcade and i watched him play drums and we completed the bishy-bashy game (sp), well at least he did. it wasn't anything special, but it felt nice to spend time together, just the two of us.

after that, i headed home and my parents surprised (not really) me with something i've wanted for quite a long time. am really touched cause i know i don't deserve it at all. it's sad that my parents probably don't know how much i love them, cause i really don't do family affection very well.

F.A.M.I.L.Y! (gratz to those who get it.)

honestly, today was one of the best days in a long long while, though my days have all been quite good. perhaps people might wonder why i'm so happy at just spending time with my boyfriend, when it's quite a normal thing for others. see, we have loads of problems, and half the time we're fighting or being angry at each other. it's hard for the both of us to spend time together like this. so i'm happy. (:

there're so many other reasons besides myself as to why i've got to work hard and buck up.

don't feel like blogging any further. have a good night, whoever's reading! (:

xoxo
counting your blessings

'Fences

2010-04-10T22:49:00.000+08:00

it's a saturday night, and i'm sitting in front of my computer wondering where to go. ph? ktv? it's already nearing 11 pm, and i'm not even ready.

having no money sucks. and i'd hate to have to lie to my boy in order to have some fun. what we need is balance. balance.

'Hot mess

2010-04-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

sometimes i'd find myself wanting to get out of this whole mess, cause that's what we are. a mess, most of the time. but then i'll stop, always. it's only been four days but i find myself missing you already.

why does my boyfriend seem to be a confinement-magnet?

on a side note, i want to go shopping and re-dye my hair before school starts. yes, school.

xoxo
baby,i'm waiting for your call.

'Mundane

2010-04-05T22:39:00.000+08:00

it seems to be ages since i last updated my space, tho i'd bet it's less than two weeks or so? have grown way too dependent on my computer and the internet, till the extent where i'd feel lost without it. i bet i'm not the only one.

went out to dinner with my family, and whilst waiting for the food to be served, we each sat there and fiddled with our respective gadgets, playing games/texting etc. as technology advances, the most important form of communication dwindles. the food was delicious though.

a proper post the next time. lenses has been a bitch the entire day, and my right eye is still hurting even after changing it. gratzzzzzzz.

goodnight people (:

xoxo

'Wish you were here.

2010-03-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

via (leblogdebetty.com)

i wonder why humans can have lives that are so different from each other. from the high flyers, to the down and out. why some couples can be so sweet and live in bliss while others are scratching and clawing each others eyes out.

it's come to a point where i feel that giving in ain't an option. and yet i'm doing it all over again. perhaps in this matter, yes it might be my fault. but still, i really don't feel like admitting that i shouldn't have done it cause then again, we're all mature adults, aren't we? relationships shouldn't be about restrictions and what-not. but then again, i'd feel only entirely comfortable with this if i knew that his heart was true, and mine alone.

and it's not about other people getting attracted, it's about whether his heart stays true all throughout. i'm just bracing myself for the realization that some fucked up thing happened again which i have no power over, just because we're in 'fighting mode'. and there's the demand of 'at least drop me a text to tell me where you are'.

hyeah right. the selfish part of me kicks up and fights back with a 'why should i? when you don't do the same, and you're not even picking up?' sucks, this.

anyway, i'm going hunting for food. takes spear* tata! i hope things get okay again. (:

xoxo

'Pictures depicting

2010-03-24T02:23:00.003+08:00

these were taken on the 2nd day of the lunar new year, with&by my awesome cousins. i thank God for such a wonderful family, extended relatives and all and the warmth and sincerity each and every one of them brings.

i still think photography is a wondrous art, and it's amazing how rapidly humans progress. in the past, people were afraid of taking photos or portraits, because they were afraid it'll suck the soul out of them, and today sees many camwhoring like there's no tomorrow. i'm guilty as charged, though admittedly i'm the closet type, the ones who take the photos and make sure most of them never see the light of day.

that's why this space of mine doesn't house many photos of me. that, plus the fact that i keep losing parts of my gadgets and pure laziness. though this reminds me that i've way too many photos stored up in my phone/camera.

on another note; i do wonder how is it that you can love someone, and yet feel so attracted to another person at the same time. that's why i stand to believe that 'your heart only loves one, but it can like many others'. but then again, who's to decide or explain the whims of the heart? human nature is often blamed too much for our errors, but the keyword here is decision. who's the one who decides what to do? no else, but yourself.

oh, i feel drunken on a tuesday night, and kesha's 'blah blah blah ' is playing in my head relentlessly, though i can't touch alcohol without throwing up and i'm in bed, still recuperating somewhat, though i bet partying will cure all of that in a jiffy. how i wish i were out, living the kind of life i can only dream of now. now.

till then, or not.

xoxo

'Saying NO to No

2010-03-22T13:11:00.000+08:00

"screaming"

i want my freedom. my damned freedom. i really.. really.. want my freedom.

it's the late nights, the partying, the random chilling with friends/strangers that keeps that little bit of me somewhat alive. i know it sounds ridiculous, but somehow i need it to spark up this humdrum situation that i've been living in.

so damned bored of my life i actually scream out in frustration. people like me never were meant to get tied down. blame it on my personality, blame it on my star sign, blame it on me. i've never stopped wanting to have fun, and i'm the kinda girl who's rebellious streak gets even more intrigued by the things i can never have or do. and since young i've always hated the word 'NO'. who hasn't? No, means denial. i hate being told, NO.

and A is the only one who says NO with any effect towards me. anyone who knows me well enough should know that too. he says 'you can't always have what you want'. maybe that's why he's always getting his way with me.

no matter how much i want us to work, i can't imagine a life in the future without partying/other people. it's not that i'm superficial, it's that sometimes we need some balance. and, i.just.want.to.have.fun.

shall consult the wise people. God, please....... ):

x

'Just Because

2010-03-21T10:57:00.001+08:00

(via: blurthelines)

i think that is a little quote that people have to keep remembering, when their lovers fall short of the expectations placed on them.

during a chat with C, i realized that handling a relationship is contradicting at many points (though i knew that already).

for example: 'If he loves me, he'll want me to be happy and let me have my freedom.'
'If she loves me, she'll understand why i can't let her have her freedom this way'
'If he loves me, he'll think for me'
'If she loves me, she'll think for me'

a shortened version of what we were talking about, cause i can't quite remember the details too. it's all about the give and take, though sometimes we humans forget all about the giving and focus a lot on the taking.

had the most vivid and unhappy dream i had in awhile. though all my nightmare are of A, this one topped the mountains before. dreamed that he restricted my freedom and yet had his, having his share of the opposite gender while doing what i've been wanting to do most in awhile: party. i guess my subconscious really is trying to tell me something. tell me, why can't i have my freedom and maintain this relationship? if only, if only if only.

a girl's only young once right?

this past day or so has been good with A, though it was admittedly not without minor hiccups. the annoyance and anger of the past night quite simply flew out of the door, when it flung open from the outside and there he stood, grinning at me.

although he stood there empty-handed and with a sock on one foot and the other bare, it reminded me of exactly how much i love that guy, and of the possibilities that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too.

alright, shall go get more rest. my head is aching from that earlier dream. have a nice one people (:

xoxo

ps: i love the way you say the things you do.

'Understand?

2010-03-19T01:56:00.000+08:00

i'm staring at the screen, wondering where i should begin. perhaps with an expression of anger? or a sigh of regret, or a show of sarcasm and maybe a hint of sadness?

i could, but i won't. the path i'm choosing to take is simply, nonchalance. i guess it really shows something when a person who used to really care, really couldn't care less anymore.

used to be, i got affected at every little thing and the display of 'fuck it i don't give a damn about you', always was what it was; a display. it'd soon crack and disintegrate into nothing, leaving behind the naked and ugly facts that i had to face.

but now..... his actions don't instill anger/disappointment/sadness in me anymore. instead it's more of a 'oh. haha. okay.' kind of feeling, though admittedly, tinged with all of the afore mentioned emotions.

it's really not that i'm trying to take it easy, or fight the feelings. to put it more bluntly:

you can't fight what you don't feel.

time to take my medicine. the pills are huge, and i don't feel exactly good about that. oh well.

'Letting it be

2010-03-15T03:44:00.000+08:00

"between now and forever"

went drinking w C and some friends. picked up a stranger in the lift, and here we are. retarded much! and apparently the rest are stuck, cause someone's kinda drunk/high-ish. ohwellllllz.

i wonder how couples keep faithful, it should be an easy feat, but then again, it's not always that easy. people take people for granted, and people get tired after awhile.

hahahaha. and the better guy scenario too. it's so difficult to make a choice!

okay i don't know what i'm talking about apparently. >:

bye

'Utterly broken.

2010-03-13T06:42:00.001+08:00

my mouth is killing me, my cramps making it worse. can't get back to sleep, can't sleep it off. i feel so miserable now, like the very one person i'd wanna hear from isn't here, and doesn't care.

i need you now. i need you now. even if it's just a text, i need you now. but i don't understand.

she told me, 'i don't know how much you love him, but i think it's better if the both of you don't be together. cause i cannot guarantee that he can bring you happiness.' all i could do was cry into that stupid towel. if you knew who i was talking about, the person who said that to me, would you then understand how hurt she must be? would you then fully wake up and take a look at yourself and this whole mess?

i know i'd be silly if i said that just being with you made me the happiest, and yet i know i know it's true, but it'll be contradicting saying that, cause at the same time, being with you makes me sadder than anything else in this world.

this isn't the time to talk about r/s matters for you now. but when would it be? this is really killing me.

remember all the things we wanted/now all our memories it's haunted/ (perhaps)we were always meant to say goodbye.

'Built to fall

2010-03-13T00:49:00.001+08:00

mm watcha say/ mm that you only meant well/ well of course you did/

mm watcha say/ mm that it's all for the best/ of course it is

so tell me, what's the next move? what am i supposed to do now? if only you knew.....

i've no more tears to shed for you, i've no more time to waste over you. and yet i've never really thought that you weren't worth my time.

if you're reading this, i don't know what we'll be later on, tomorrow, or a week from now. if it ends up that one of us walks away, then it's meant to be.

God knows that i've tried my damn hardest; i damn well did. And i've never loved another guy as much as i did love you. never tried as hard for any other person, even for those who really deserved it.

but maybe this isn't about you and me now. maybe it's about you against the rest of the world, and me watching and waiting. and waiting. if you get this, than you would. i used to say, it doesn't matter what other people say, no matter how many objections there were. have you really understood the depth of what i meant?

i'd like to say that no matter what, i'll be by your side, but i won't. but no matter what, i'll still be here for you. as a lover, or as a friend.

somethings, just weren't built to last.

xoxo

'Heartwrecked

2010-03-12T06:18:00.001+08:00

am up once again, at 5.32 am. tried heading to bed, but somehow i got woken up, i've no idea why. somehow it seems like my time runs differently as other people, turning day to night and night to day.

and once again, part of this restless sleep has got to do with reasons that have nothing to do with my sleeping patterns going topsy turvy. simply put, i get affected way too easily. though technically things are fine, i can't help feeling uneasy and wary whenever i'm unsure of the littlest of things. so, currently it's another waiting game i guess? one that's played every single day.

shall also wait for my turn for the toilet. my dear girl Huishan is also bored and restless, so i'm going to head over to her place in a bit, for cheap and good brekkie that hopefully involves eggs and toast! meeting up with C later on too, to return her camera and simply just to see each other, which seems to have been ages ago, though it's only been less than a week since i last saw her. <3

my dearest friends seem to love me more, no? (: mwah mwah.

weirdly enough, i've become better at cooping myself up at home. ever since my room got cleaned, i find that it's easier to not whine about not going out, whereas in the past i'd feel like i'd go crazy if i'm at home for more than a day. goes to show how important it is for a clean room aye? though a little vacuuming is coming my way later!

kay, shall go watch makeup videos on youtube. i heart all the products used! like the brushes, the palettes, the foundations, the concealers, the cheek color, the lip colors. <3! on my lists of wants are:

Brushes (Foundation/Blusher/The whole set)
Blusher in a healthy shade
Long wearing lipstick that's damn natural/nude
More eyeshadow colors! like the Alice in Wonderland one, though it'll be hard to lug around.
Etude House's Bb cream (Bec uses it and it looks (Y))
Falsies (since i only have ones suitable to go club. i need natural ones.
Liquid Concealer

and the list goes on.....

shall stop blogging and go chat on msn. (: have a good day ahead, whoever's reading!

ima tell you one time

'Redemption

2010-03-11T21:31:00.002+08:00

"Come what may"

for every relationship to work, there has to be the most basic of understandings, the fundamentals on which feelings, and progress can be built on.

things like love and trust, honor and understanding; they're the most important things, and yet they are the part of simple foundations of which a relationship stands. what's love without trust and honor? nothing.

somehow i can't bring myself to trust a face whom i know can be capable of telling untruths. even though salvage is in the works, it doesn't mean it'll bring us redemption. the happiness that is bought in the meantime, doesn't make up for the amount of hurt that always comes. always.

there are big holes in this relationship, cracks that even time cannot fully heal. but then again, they say: if there are no cracks, how does the light get in?

and then faced with that, there is this question; what's next?

'The way to Heaven

2010-03-11T06:45:00.000+08:00

credits: velvetcigarette.com, Rachel L.

did i ever mention how much i like that girl in that photo up there? used to read her journal till she locked it, and randomly went on lookbook and i happened to see her again, and i saw her new site! happy much, for some weird reason.

wondered if it was somehow a kind of fate? the kind where it pulls you in, but never close enough cause for one, we're total strangers and this is just cyberspace. (yeah i know i have stalker tendencies, but my friends are worse. shh) but yeah, i enjoy reading journals cause it somehow gives you a look see into a strangers mind, and it brings a whole lot of new perspective with it.

managed to find the ebook for 'The City of Glass' by Cassandra Clare, and it's absolutely amazing. one of the best series that i've ever read, and each one of the three books in the trilogy ranks up there with the best books i've ever read. there's something about those books that can make me read them over and over and over again without ever getting bored; it's like each page rewrites itself repeatedly and every scene seems brand new to me. trust me, you'll never regret it.

on a side note, i hope this tweaked layout is easy on your eyes, though it's hurting mine already. spent the entire night figuring out transparency codes, and googling all sorts of different answers till i nearly gave up. this isn't the best solution i was looking for, but it's close. apparently it works on Firefox & Safari, but it doesn't show up on Google Chrome.

alright, it's time for me to revisit neopets.com, though i bet i'll be abandoning it soon enough. have a good day people (:

xoxo

ps: everything is at a standstill. just, a standstill.

'Exhaustive measures

2010-03-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

darn tired, and it's only past 12 am! 12.23 am to be precise. been sleeping on and off throughout the day, and it's a damn wonder i can still feel sleepy. >:[

have been trying to make a few changes to my blog template, but only the colors have changed. tried to put in a header image but i realized that only by changing to the new template editor, will i be able to do it. super frustrating, especially fumbling fingers like mine made my back up template vanish a fair few times. -.-

been waiting for the boyfriend to book out, but apparently he's not gonna book out anymore. adds on to my irritation, cause i could've been doing better stuff than waiting around.....

anyway, i've to go hang up the clothing. i totally loathe my sisters when it comes to such stuff. my clothes as compared to their clothing. 10 > 1. and now i'm doing my own laundry and i've got to do theirs as well?

'i'm too tired, tomorrow still have school' well, fuck you! damn annoying though i've to admit it's vice-versa as well. but their clothing really f alot compared to mine.....

am in a grumpy mood now. need to sleep, want to sleep, though i'll probably wake up later on again..... been doing so for God knows how long! okay, off.

xoxo

cross-dressing grandma likes young grass

2010-03-09T04:24:00.000+08:00

(taken from the site i saw this article on)

Jack Neo cheated on his wife for two years with this 'young grass' Wendy Chong. And apparently she's not the only one that he approached. AND, his wife knew all about it for around a year. AND, she knew of his other on-goings with other women.

how the hell does she stand it?! (Y)! and what's with the comments that people are saying, sympathizing with Wendy Chong?!

hello, it's not only Jack Neo's fault, though i'm not defending him in any way. She probably was around 20 when the affair started. yes, that was a young age, but still, TWENTY NO BRAINS AH?! you mean for the past twenty years, she didn't have any moral principles inserted into her brain, like 'it's not right to steal/ it's wrong to lie/you cannot go around killing people/it's wrong to have sex with a married man and let it continue for two bloody years'

total bullshit lor. the both of them are equally at fault, so i don't understand why people are leaving her comments on her space saying things like 'oh i feel for you' (my own words & bad pun not intended).

not gonna comment much on Jack Neo's part, cause everybody can see for themselves, and judge on their own if he's really 'remorseful'. BUT. seriously two fucking years (pun fully intended) eh. and he even brought her overseas, spent time with each other over the weekends, and who knows what else. honestly, maybe it did get a little sticky (not intended) when it was about to go south (not intended), but the 'tried to break up on 30 occasions' comment was damn retarded.

if you really wanna end things, then just do it. don't keep counting and keeping track of the many times your 'conscience overtook your body', cause neither one of them ended it. utter bullshit saying 'i tried to end it 30 times' but in the end? IT STILL CONTINUED WHAT!

and apparently there are more cases of Jack Neo and other 'nen chaos'. like wtf! what's wrong with him?! and many other males for that matter. not saying that females don't have affairs too, but come on la.

yeah anyway, my conclusion is that the both of them are in the wrong, and that they should suck it up and admit that they are wrong without even giving any excuses or words to 'redeem' themselves.

ooh yeah. one other thing, (and i'm saying this on the assumption that this is what she fully said) i quote, "She advised other 'third-party' women to cease their affairs with married men as 'it's tough to be a mistress."

like huh?! she shouldn't be advising other 'third-party' women to cease their affairs with married men as 'it's tough to be a mistress'; she should be advising them to quit fucking married men because it's bloody wrong to be doing it at all! what kind of crap is 'it's tough to be a mistress'? though it probably is, but still, that's not the point at all! how repentant does that Wendy Chong sound, with this sentence summing it all up?

although she might have said a whole chunk of things about how sorry and wrong she is, but was suay enough to only get quoted on that 'tough being a mistress' sentence.

final conclusion: retribution will come onto every wrong doer. you sow what you reap. at least i do hope so!

xoxo

(edited)

i took away Wendy Chong's photo because i feel quite uncomfortable with her picture posing on my space.

not growing old.

2010-03-04T08:21:00.000+08:00

sometimes it's so damn sad to chance upon blogs and people posting about how they miss some things about the past. i feel that way too, and i know everyone does, now and again.

though things might be better off like that, really, i can't help wishing that maybe we could walk back to how we were, how things were.

in secondary school, it seemed simpler. and i'm not as oblivious and naive as i was back then. yeah, i didn't have as many friends, but i felt safe, more often than not. yes, there were bitchy moments, but at the end of the day, everyone were just..... friends? like nowadays when i meet people i wasn't close to but knew by sight, i'd instantly get happier cause it's like 'hey! you're from holy too!'

though i'm content with the friends i have now, i do reminisce about the past, when i truly, truly held the friends i had as close to my heart like any other. it's not that i don't hold my close ones dear now, but growing up and getting past certain experiences meant that i'd never allow myself to hurt that way again?

but after speaking with Bec about this topic earlier on, i realized so many more things that i've been pushing back. heart's growing heavy with an ache different from heartbreak. it's more of a..... sour mourning? for friends who come and go, friends who were once so damn close, and of friends who appear to be lesser than what they mean.

i told Bec, 'we have to learn how to be content and appreciate the people around us', and it's true. she replied me with 'but it's human nature to be ambitious and want more'. perhaps people wouldn't fully understand what we're talking about, but she's right too. it's so hard grasping the concept of being content with who you are and what you have, and at the same time striving for something better.

but i guess it's harder to make genuine relationships with people as you grow older? for me, it really feels that way. though i'm happy that i made really good friends after i graduated from secondary school. wasn't expecting any though, and i'm really happy i did. (:

nowadays the faces i see, faces we meet and greet, these faces hold so much of their own secrets, their own memories, and only a portion of what they let us know, we find out. we never really truly find out how a person truly is, more often not than the other. we only know a little of the past, so much of the present, and maybe what's to come in the future. it's harder to truly see everything of how a person can be, only as much as what they allow us to.

sincerity is scarce, it's something that should be treasured. but sometimes, it's also hard facing strangers with that open sincerity instead of the slightest guarded wariness that comes with experience.

it's always so much easier building up walls, than tearing them down. isn't it?

x
the one that truly knows.

no it's not you.

2010-03-03T11:10:00.000+08:00

i've decided to ignore the things i can't do anything about. no point thinking so much when obviously there's nothing to think about at this point of time. shall take a chill pill and chilllllaaaaax. LOL!

like what Binghui always tells me, 'joh you've got to take it easy!' even over the most mundane of things. HAHA!

anyway, i'm hungry! have got to start hunting for food again!!!!!

i think my Bb's battery life is damn amazing! luv it so much will love it even more if it has that data plan thingy that my dearest daddy canceled so cruelly. ):

went to work for the Starhub thingy yesterday with Matt. the only perk that i've gotten so far is that i was able to finally sleep through the entire night! okay, granted, i woke up once around 2 am +, but i was so tired that i could get to sleep without any stupid thoughts invading my head!

you've no idea how tiring it is to not be able to sleep (no pun intended). seriously, my whole sleeping schedule and body clock is all wired the wrong way, and i've trouble sleeping at nights, and am so tired that i doze off during the day. ):

i hate it whenever i feel like this! it's like my emotional side is always, always able to affect the physical side. so i always find myself not eating properly, not sleeping properly, falling sick more, blabla. not that i'm saying i'm very ke lian or what, since everybody goes through emo shit periods of their life, but it affects me a lot! idk why. ):

kay don't feel like uploading anything. byebye!

xoxo

We Are The World

2010-03-01T18:03:00.000+08:00

i love this! much better than the celebrity version, imo. still very in 'wtf?!' mode after viewing it so super long ago. and it's damn meaningful cause it's really from a lot of different people over the world? (i'm assuming. i don't know.)

the one who sang Cyndi Lauper/Celine Dion's part was o.o!!!!! DAMN GOOD! had chills all the way. like when i watched Titanic. and i only get chills when i'm spooked/super cold/seen something awesome, and it's definitely the last one in this case!

go view go view! (:

when the cat is away.....

2010-03-01T05:54:00.000+08:00

"the mice will play"

C is starting to influence me more than i realize, except now i do. Realize, that is. been starting to worry about how little time there is till the start of my school, and i haven't started earning anything. wish i had a little more time before i start?

okay, just ignore that paragraph and keep your comments to yourself. thanks.

anyway, can't sleep! it's 5.57 am. and i am awake and feeling super hungry! got the urge to cook a can of campbell's to drink, but it's so damn fattening!!!!! bah h8 not being a skinny bitch.

ooh. was supposed to go to Sentosa with C, but we failed miserably. LOL!

okay, so my saturday was spent at two chalets. One was K's friends one and the other was at T's chalet. nothing much for either one, cause we didn't really stay long. didn't look for Bh either. damn!

bought a new swimsuit though! so excited i wanna swim!

and i've many new plans that has to come into fruition before A comes back. smirks*

anyway, i wanna club! but sian i hate $$$$$ issues! so super irritating.

okay photos up for the next post! maybe meeting up with C later on, and i hope that Matt, Bec and i will finally be able to work! so fucking irritating please! cause it keeps getting delayed. damn!

oh yeah! going to swim/tan with Hs again this week, and hopefully night cycling/ picnic with Bec & C?

oh yeahhhhhh. i wanna meet my friends and have funnnnnn! tsk.

another new resolution for 2010 should be for me to: Eradicate all people/things that bring sadness into my life.

That resolution can actually take the place of : Be a good girlfriend.

go figure out for yourself what i mean. :D

xoxo
you reap what you sow.

ps: and i'd say, if that really happens, you deserve it fully anyway.

simple pleasures.

2010-02-28T05:46:00.000+08:00

Sentosa tomorrow with C! it was quite sudden, and i'm all for it! cause she wanna tan, so sunscreen here i come! pray i don't get black tomorrow. (:

i want a big floppy straw hat! and new slippers in gold/bronze. ooh and new shades! and extensions. :D anybody?

shall take loads of pics since tomorrow also involves shopping (C's stuff for her attachment), and the hanging out. :D love love!

the first question was "what kind of makeup do you wear to the beach?" HAHA

got to go sleep real soon if i wanna wake up bright and early tomorrow! i hope tomorrow will be a really good day. (: and i hope that i can get a good job real soon!

xoxo
this is the way life should be

not recognizing the one you love.

2010-02-26T20:56:00.000+08:00

"wish you were here. NOT!"

am blogging cause i am so bored!!!!! i don't know what i'm doing home on a freaking friday night, but since i've got no $$$, i guess that's my only choice! A has went off for a sailing trip again. and it doesn't feel like i'm attached though we supposedly are back together..... fucking complicated only! ah well shan't think much about it. no point?

ahhh. meeting Jay tomorrow! been ages since i last saw him. heeeeeee. maybe catching a movie if possible, or just hanging out out out out out. (:

met up with T earlier. fuckerrrrrrrrrrr! and got a free meal and a ride home. HAHA

damn borrrrrred. need to start work real soon and start earning some $$$. kay. shall finish watching my show and continue painting my nails, blabla.

i feel like playing mahjong!kthxbye

xoxo
ignorance is bliss.

ps: i guess i knew you were capable of such things, only i didn't think you were able to do it to me.

under anesthesia

2010-02-25T19:39:00.000+08:00

very very very very very full and sleepy now. cooked dinner for my family, and OMGZ. damn full. fried rice + campbell soup = easy peasy!

heading over to look for A in a bit. went to swim + tan with Huishan yesterday, but it didn't work out for us. i didn't really swim and she didn't get tan. and! i'm so proud of myself cause i didn't get darker! smothered on dollops of sunscreen on my body like there's no tomorrow.

:D so i'm happy all the same.

okay am going to go prepare? bbbbbbbye.

oh yeah! please click on the nuffnang ad on the right? > > > > > thank you! :D

xoxo
i need to know that
you're worthwhile.

fun in the sun

2010-02-24T01:26:00.000+08:00

"intoxicated, we stay"

Eve's over here at the moment, and she's already sleeping!

we did the Michelle Phan face scrub thing, which involves - honey + sugar + extra virgin olive oil! not bad at all, though it kinda hurt when i scrubbed too hard. but really not too bad!

tentatively going tanning + swimming with Huishan on thursday, though seriously i don't think that i wanna tan. though even A said something about me being too white. -.- but that's just called FAIR. FAIR FAIR FAIR FAIR FAIR. nothing wrong with that! LOL

shall ask mom for some sponsorship for a new swimsuit/ bikini. LOL! okay no other person shall comment that i'm fat okay. I'M STILL GONNA GET ONE ANYWAY. HAHA.

i wonder when i'll be able to get a new laptop. and an itouch. tsk tsk. i've so much on my wants list! seems to be never ending aye.

oh wellllllll~

hafta do the laundry soon. ick i wonder how housewives do it. if i can, i'll so totally hire a part time maid to help me do the chores around the house!

oh yeah. i wanna go to IKEA some day soon to look for stuff to put into my room! like so cool only. but am still in a dilemma about my furniture vs the paint i want on my walls. decided on a dusty reddish pink and a lighter shade of grey? though i've no idea if it'll go, but these two colors are kind of colors i really really like at the moment. (:

kay, shall go blog hop and what not, + make plans for tomorrow!

xoxo
my love, my love my
bloody valentine

ps: baby steps.

exactly like in the movies

2010-02-22T04:00:00.000+08:00

"get shaky get yours"

Bec came over earlier, and got scammed into helping me tidy my room. :D it's super neat now! though there are still some things to do, like washing figurines and clothing and deciding which ones are the ones i want and which ones can be given away/discarded. oh yeah there're still some childhood books and stuff that i can throw away. according to Bec, i can be on some discovery channel show about hoarders.

it was kinda amazing how much stuff got thrown out from my small little room. 5-6 plastic bags full of stuff, and there are some more to be thrown away! i wanna get a bookshelf and a cabinet to put all my shoes though. ooh, i wanna paint my room too!

i hope my room never gets messy again. HAHA. nor dusty.

am drinking some Fuji apple drink from Pokka, and the effect is like coke, only much fizzier. the taste is kinda like hard liquor mixed with green tea, and the after taste kinda tastes like beer. only sweet. -.- okay i think there's something wrong with my taste buds! i think i'm gonna throw it away. ick.

OH YA. my mum got tipsy after two sips of some alcoholic thingy that's supposed to aid health? fucking lousy -.- no wonder i'm so bad at drinking! >

day i went shopping with Cyn. didn't take much photos! Weewee's super pretty top!

pretty random mix from here on.

what Carson ordered and nearly finished all of.

Butter with K and Cyn!

stolen from Cyn's blog.

her camera's flash like nice only! quite natural, unlike mine. *sulks*

met up with Huishan the day before yesterday, and we were nua-ing all the way, with no idea what to do. so, we went to NTUC, where she bought a carton of milk, and i bought aloe vera! we were the sad and depressed girls, only we weren't that sad and depressed because we had each other for company! hahahaha that girl is sucha bimbo!

accidental zoom. the aloe vera jar cap was so damn tight that we couldn't open it. another guy i approached it couldn't either. sat there and whined until i saw this foreign worker and asked him to help me open the jar, and he opened it so easily! HAHA. i think men do come in handy in times like these. such a typical weak female situation!

met up with Huishan again yesterday! and she accompanied over me to A's place. but while waiting for that idiot, we nua-ed at her house, and we started putting makeup. LOL. even though we were only going to hougang areas. HAHA. and when we reached A's place, i started helping her draw in her brows, while she lent me her blusher. camwhored with her camera, mine, and her webcam while at her place.

done! omgz so many pictures! for me at least. one of the first times i'm putting up so many photos at one shot! hahaha but i've many many pictures still in my digi cam, and with Hs, or in facebook.

haven't done new year ones! okie i shall make it a point to try to blog with more pictures. though i love just typing endless entries filled to the brim with words when i feel super emo shitz. HAHA

shall try to tidy up my computer files and stuff like that. hopefully there'll be work later! :D goodnight/good morning people!

xoxo
just the way you are

ps: slowly, but surely.

logic and the heart.

2010-02-21T09:15:00.000+08:00

just got back from A's place. learned about a lot of stuff that had happened over the past few days which i had no knowledge of.

feeling very very guilty now. and an amazingly large amount of thoughts are weighing in on my mind right now. i do hope things work out for the best.

met up with Huishan again just now. went over to her place, and we had 'dinner' at Hougang point. 'dinner' cause all she had was a kids meal, and i only had a large fries. pathetic much! but didn't have much appetite. can't sleep properly either these few days, i don't know why.

she accompanied me to A's place and headed to her A's place after. thank you dear! <3

i have a lot of photos to post up. but i really really can't be bothered to, mainly because there are really quite a lot of them, and it makes me very sian just thinking about them. LOL!

but i still want to eh. -.- so i shall, after i wake up later. promiseeeeeeee! oh wait. no. LOL.

sigh. the next few months are going to be so so tough. but i guess it'll be worth it in the end?

goodnight world.

xoxo
no matter what.

battlefield

2010-02-19T09:37:00.001+08:00

i'm still up. insomnia is still ever present, and i'm sick of it. sick of the times i feel so tired and i just fall asleep, only to wake up an hour or so later and being unable to sleep for hours on end.

read ______'s blog. though we're total strangers, i really understand how she feels. it just sounds so fucking familiar, the events that happened, how her guy treats her. if i weren't in the same situation i'd say 'forget about him. he's not worth it. love isn't only caring when you want to or feel like it. you can find someone much better'.

i think some people doesn't understand what disappointment, heartbreak and letdowns really feel like. especially not when its always coming from someone who you love, and used to love you. Used, being a term that's loosely used.

why can't people just treasure people who want to be good to them? and not take them for granted. or speak the truth and not keep others waiting.

tomorrow's the 20th. it's absurd how i'll still think about him in terms that can be considered as more than affection considering how everything is being now.

don't let things come to a point where i'll hate you, please. cause i'm already starting to despise how everything has become. perhaps i don't mean anything to you now, but remember everything that happened.

maybe it's really time to settle all that needs to be done and just leave it be. perhaps an impulsive action might be the deciding factor of everything. i've seen too much of how you can be. too much, and i don't know if i can stand to accept and not judge.

but i still hate the fact that i still miss you, still think of you. when you're..... enjoying? you'll never understand. don't erase all your worth. not when i still think there's something worth fighting for.

fuck this. i really need some sleep. but somehow i can't get to sleep without..

hearts beat the same, people hurt the same.

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare?

2010-02-19T04:59:00.000+08:00

it's 4.59 in the morning, and i'm unable to ease myself back into sleep. it's so much better there, without the problems and worries of everyday life.

it always takes two hands to clap. i can't solve anything if the other party is unwilling to, but when faced with a big one such as this, how am i supposed to do anything to even get close to settling it? it has already become bigger than the both of us, this.

and it's fucking ironic how _ can keep sitting on his high horse, preaching about lessons _ doesn't follow. i may not know much about r/s anymore, but what i do know is that it doesn't take much to avoid a problem, only immaturity and cowardice.

it's hard to keep on loving without feeling like i'm letting myself get treated like crap. it shouldn't be this way at all!

i'm gonna write everything down into a fucking long letter. explain myself there and just give it. if there're no actions made then i'm gonna have to do what's best for me. and not him. not anymore.

should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

2010-02-18T20:54:00.000+08:00

seriously i don't know what you're thinking about. it's getting too hard, too fucking hard. i think i most have done something very wrong to you in my previous life. fuck this. ):

i guess i'm back here again

2010-02-16T03:40:00.000+08:00

cny day 2!

spent it with Daddy's side of the family today, and it was fun too. am in a better mood then yesterday and stuff cause things are a little better i guess, with A?

Aljunied > Bishan/Marymount > Woodlands > Hougang > R.plaza > Home.

Took super lots of photos with Lois, Eve and people with their super cool cameras. so i shall wait till they develop the film and get the photos! haha bet i look super weird in them, but who cares right? had mini h2h's too. <3! oooh and we're going to Bangkok during the March holidays! hahaha yay!

Met up with K at mall just now! and she was so amazed at H.plaza's new and improved toilet. -.- but it looks so much better than the old one luh. though the stench of cigarettes are still as present as ever. talked a lot about her stuff and mine. so much to catch up on!

might be going partying tomorrow with her and Cyn plus whoever wants to come. ladies night were meant for single ladies right? :D i so totally wanna go! that, and mahjong. i totally have the feel for gambling nowz. ask me people! ask me!

hurhur. met up with Binghui and Carson after at R.plaza. Hopefully Carson will really wear a qi pao and sport shoes for my birthday. HAHA best present everrrrrrrrr!

saw Junkai and another guy whom i recognize but forgot the name of there too. :D

anwwwwwwww. shall go off. today was a quite good day! thank You Lord! :D i sound so super hyper.

ttfn!

xoxo

like a moth to a flame

2010-02-15T01:26:00.001+08:00

first day of CNY.

went to my Grandmother's place, and hung around there for some time before going to another Aunt's place.

had quite a good time with all my relatives and we took a shitload of photos. i probably looked like crap in most of them. bah

am not really in the festive kind of CNY mood, but it was nice all the same. weird combination of a sucky + good day.

will upload once CNY and all is over. am very much in the mood for gambling and getting drunk.

i hate this. please get good again.....!

x
waiting for your call.

ps: i hope that you're worth it.

get out.

2010-02-14T06:41:00.000+08:00

cny + valentines. i hope everybody has a happy day today! (:

'if this continues, when it's really over you're just gonna look at every guy with the same jaded view'

a thousand people might say no, but it took only ONE. for me to look back and go running back to you.

you've got to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve. repeats to myself over and over again.

there're only so many things i can take till it explodes, so many times you can kickstart my heart till it finally dies.

God, i pray that later on and everyday henceforth will be the greatest days of my life till i die. >< thank You!

xx
iluv you.

wants

2010-02-12T03:44:00.000+08:00

second/third update for the day. can't seem to remember how many.

should be sleeping, but i can't. have so many things to do, yet i'm not getting down to any of it. i wish i can play mahjong at my aunty's place during new year. feel like gambling gambling. hahahahaha

oh yahhhhhhhh. i've so much to do lor! and i wanna get my makeup! ):

Revlon Colorstay Liquid Foundation
Eyeshadow quads in dark colors
Eyelash glue
Eyelashes (still have the one's A bought for me, but they're kinda cui, so i can't really bear to wear them)
Do my eyebrows
Do my nails (damn cui already CMI i want a grey polishhhhhhh been looking for one since forever. of course i cheap one cause lao niang no $$$$$)
Decide on what to wear for New Years though i'm not really in the mood.
Hair extensions? (though i doubt i'd get the $$$$$ before then to do them)
Finishing the stuff that i intended to do for A.

i really really really really really want the liquid foundation. ): and the eyelash glue! and the eyelashes. and doing my brows&nails. LOL!

fuck this so irritating. having severe moodswings..... like one minute up one minute down.

and i hate it when people don't pick up the phone. makes me so damned worried. idk why either.

damn it i want the foundation. >: it's like. on my top list of wants!

x
not what i intended.

2010-02-12T02:07:00.001+08:00

Anyone can easily walk away from somebody else. Nobody is forced to stay; we all have choices. But the real test is if someone would rather stay with you, even though walking away would be so much easier.

-via runaway train.

2010-02-12T00:22:00.001+08:00

why's it hurting like i'm not the one who wanted to walk away?

stay

2010-02-11T22:04:00.000+08:00

just one word might do the trick. how far would you go?

it's not all my choice. decisions aren't always one sided, and minds can be swayed. if it's worth it, if you want it. but so far all i've seen are that maybe things are best to be left like this.

it's not what you can't say; it's about what you can. and what you're choosing not to do are the very things that are keeping me away.

x
we're,
running out of time.

only human

2010-02-10T23:31:00.000+08:00

honestly it wouldn't take much to make me happy.....

question.

2010-02-09T05:28:00.000+08:00

how do you mend the holes after each and every letdown?

perfect tion.

2010-02-08T20:29:00.000+08:00

(credits: fuckyeahskinnybitch)

oh what i wouldn't give to add "Size Zero, Beautiful and Absolute Perfection" to my 'About me' in this thing they call Life.

New.

2010-02-07T05:16:00.000+08:00

"perhaps yearning is something, but holding all that you wish for is another."

fever is back! slightly. headaches all round and temperature is up! sucks to be me right now.

went out with Cynthia yesterday to town. Did our CNY shopping, and i'm well pleased with the things I've gotten. Shopped at Far East, and headed to town for our dinner. was starving like mad at the end of the day.

A then texted me and asked if we wanted to head to Shanghai Dolly, so off we went. it was his ship's anniversary, blabla and apparently a lot of people were there cause he introduced me to quite a number of people.

that night was quite ironic. sarcastic laugh*

it was quite fun though, considering the fact that i haven't been out for so long! the dj's weren't too bad either, save for the winding down sound effect thingy that they did one too many times. but all things considered, that place wasn't bad at all.

i think people are more friendly once alcohol loosened them up. met a lady in the toilet and we chatted a bit blabla, and we saw her on the stage too! plus her table wasn't far off from ours.

left fucking early, around 2 am-ish. wanted to stay for the whole night, but A has become an old man and needs his rest.

wasn't too happy with that, but i guess he knows that i can hold my own now, though.

went to A's after, and Cyn and i spent the whole night talking, and she taught me a way to fortune tell with the usage of cards that she learnt from Angie. hahaha like so cool only! shall try it out on my sisters asap.

talked on the phone with A just now. told him some stuff that i've been unhappy about, and he told me some stuff that made me cry. am on a pms-y kick i think, and he was quite patient with me, though he thinks that i've been acting really weird the whole time.

i'm the kind of person who notices every little action anyone does, and they're put into consideration, no matter how insignificant it is. i think i'm really starting to appreciate how he's trying to change, and how he really wants the best for me no matter what our status is. in some ways he's like my best friend, but in some ways i know he's not.

relationships are confusing and contradicting. at times i'd want nothing more than for him to leave me alone and go away, but at other times i'll just want him to be by my side, feeling like i need his attention and his love more than anything else to make me feel better.

i guess it's trying to sort out the pieces and piecing them together that makes this whole process worthwhile?

damn photos won't load. oh well too bad. photos up some other day then, whoever's reading.

i'm keeping to my 2010 resolutions! or something like that. :/

xoxo
and tomorrow's another day.

valentine

2010-02-04T04:44:00.000+08:00

look at my retarded kiddy. he's trying to show that he's fit and that he has big muscles. hehe i miss you sucker! and.....see you tomorrow! <3

ps: hope you like this picture.

xoxo

heartbeat

2010-02-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

kinda gave up on changing my template. >:/ accidentally pressed the whole thing and wham! the whole thing was gone. okay luh. not really wham! but still.....

i think i've become fatter! it shows on my face, like whenever i've gained more weight, my face instantly gets pudgier. sad face*

i want a new digital camera! i just realized that even my mum's one is lousy. though it's pink and all..... plus my bb's phone totally CMI. i love pictures which are like..... so clear. but then again, clear pictures = revealing of my bad skin = not good. gah!

just watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' (i know i'm slow. put off watching cause it was so damn long), and it's so sad! my heart had that..... achey feeling. and i cried and cried and cried and cried. okay i'm a sucker when it comes to such movies. but not sad meh?!?!?!?!

okay no photos in this post. realized that i look damn fat in all of them. time to STOP EATING! hahahaha it's all a state of mindddddd.....

kay thx bye!

xx

2010-01-29T18:42:00.000+08:00

i feel so fucked up right now. grumpy like someone stole all my cookies when i'm having a gigantic cookie craving and that was the only box of cookies i'd have for the day.

came close to throwing a huge tantrum when A was over just now. i'm really sick and tired of this, but i have no idea what 'this' refers to.

and i'm supposed to change my attitude. but how am i supposed to control my temper if i'm PMS-ing or something? which i bet i probably am. cause it happens every month, this frustration thingy. isn't it in every girls right to be able to have mood swings till she's satisfied?

feel like screaming, and i did. loudly, which earned me a 'wtf?!' from my sister.

aiya this SUCKS BALLS. i have so much pent up rage and frustration in me right now that it's a little scary. i actually feel like punching the wall and crying.

i wanna go on a holiday. ): but God knows i don't deserve one.

fuck this. bye.

party?

2010-01-29T00:29:00.000+08:00

i feel so ........................ unfulfilled.

anyone who wants to kill me now probably will have to drag me there, and i will probably put up a big fight.

how can i die now? there're so many things i've not done yet. so many plans for me to fulfill. but seriously all these can't happen unless i stop being so freaking lazy.

i really piss myself off sometimes. no wait, all the time really.

should get off these rose colored glasses/contact lenses and really smell the cheap coffee right in front of me. (Though probably it won't be that cheap, maybe from starbucks or something.)

anyway, this was when we all went to watch that movie which i can't quite recall the name of. OH! Law Abiding Citizen. good show, but it doesn't really grab at me much.

goal: get a job by CNY. a proper one. oh yeah and i have to get to the library asap since i'm almost done with my books.

wanna shop shop shop shop shop! kay shall go off already. lotsa things to do. sad face *

xoxo
lest my heart would break.